Expat Mish Blog
I don't hate people, I just feel better when they aren't around

Într-o notă mai stabilă mental, a doua componentă a seriei este de fapt cea mai mare şi cea mai nobilă, fiind în acelaşi timp distractivă şi educativă. Am deschis eu două teste destul de banale despre filme, Movie scenes quiz, la care mă încăpăţânez să mă bag deşi memoria mea vizuală este îngrozitoare, Swiss cheese like. Needless to say nu am reuşit să fac cine ştie ce, dar uitându-mă la quiz leaderboard găsesc un indubitabil individ român care se intitulează mi_e_lene_7 care a creat câteva quiz-uri proprii, printre care şi Movie directors quiz. Suspectez că leneşul e o leneşă şi stă pe undeva prin *sferă (twitto-, blogo-, alterno-) hlizindu-se la disperaţii care se chinuie două nopţi să nimerească 85 de regizori din 99.
Foarte educativ testul. În continuare nu ştiu pe mulţi cum îi cheamă şi nici n-o să mă intereseze dar am prins un respect deosebit pentru unii doar găsindu-i în toate topurile posibile de pe internet: best directors, 100 best of all times, top 10, 15 directors to watch, talented directors today etc. Tot acum mi-am dat seama că n-ar trebui să mă numesc cinefil pentru că habar nu am şi că neapărat trebuie să urmez nişte cursuri specializate pentru că altfel n-am să îmi schimb niciodată perspectiva asupra unor filme mai vechi, fiind un copil al generaţiei xbox (că tot citisem despre Bryan Singer că s-a specializat în blockbuster-uri pentru generaţia xbox).
Învăţăturile sunt multe şi probabil unele or să revină în conştient când au ele chef, dar printre altele am aflat că:
-Akira Kurosawa a influenţat pe absolut toată lumea (de după el) şi e considerat de mulţi cel mai bun;
-Tarantino are meritul de a fi reinventat storytelling-ul de la Pulp Fiction încoace, dar cred că e supra-apreciat (prin comparaţie cu monştrii sacri).
-Roberto Benigni a făcut un film superb... şi cam atât.
- regizorii atipici, dacă s-ar putea spune asta, sunt fiecare propria lor categorie: Lars von Trier, Wes Anderson (care nu e în top, dar cmmon, Steve Zissou!), Kevin Smith, Darren Aronofsky; da, îmi dau seama că sunt contemporani cu mine, ruşine mie că nu cunosc pe cei mai mari.
- Billy Wilder a făcut o-to-nă de filme supertari şi a luat o grămadă de Oscaruri pentru ele
- câţiva tipi pe care îi ştiam mai mult actori decât regizori au făcut nişte filme extraordinare, Richard Attenborough, Sydney Pollack, Sidney Lumet. Nu eram complet ignorant, dar acum mi s-au deschis ochii larg.
-trebuie să văd neapărat filmele lui Tarkovsky, Kurosawa, Kim Ki-Duk, the-japanese-animator-whats-his-name Hayao Miyazaki şi în general filme mai vechi. Dar nu prea vechi, pentru că eu nu râd la Charlie Chaplin.

http://quizible.com/quiz/movie-directors-quiz/4317

 

Datorez multe Roxanei după ce a aruncat în twittosfera, întâmplător, pagina care mi-a arătat cam cât de pervers aş putea să fiu fără să îmi fi dat seama vreodată. Cred că sunt câteva zeci de mii de comentarii acolo; când am deschis-o prima dată şi am citit începutul am zis: Gata, asta merge în tabul To read (pe motiv de dezordine a deficitului de atenţie, ffs). Câteva zile mai târziu, înainte de culcare am zis să iau ceva de somn uşor, aşa că am început să citesc. Asta era pe la vreo 5, cred. De atunci m-am tot ţinut de gură să nu izbucnesc într-un bwhahahahahahahha de-ăla sinistru de fiecare dată când citeam cele mai tari poveşti sau comentarii. De culcat m-am culcat pe la 9. Oricat m-am chinuit eu nu am reuşit să dau gata tot textul, dar pot face uşor un best-of de care vă veţi plictisi cu siguranţă dacă nu mă cumpătez la lungime. Să spicuim, dară - citiţi pe riscul propriu!

He pulled it out to come on my face, I was unprepared and snorted his semen up my nose. We started making out and I sneezed his semen onto his own face. Probably grosser for him than for me, but not by much. permalink

Double facial! Recycled facial!

NEW ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED

Three words. Anal sex. Pinworms.

Maybe not as gross as the OP's story, but it's fucking nasty to pull your dick out and see a dozen or so worms writhing around on the condom. permalink
Reminds me of the time I pulled some beads out as she was climaxing. I pulled them out like I was trying to start a lawnmower. Later, as we were lying in bed talking, is when I noticed the feces bits along the wall and curtains. permalink

So this one time I'm having sex with my girlfriend right, and it was all good and sexy so we finish up and everything seems cool.
Then about 9 months later a fucking little human being comes out of her pussy! I mean just like pops out and I saw that shit with my own eyes!
The little fucker is still living with us. permalink

Nothing tops the Jolly Rancher story.
Steve and his girlfriend Samantha went off to college in August. She went to Florida State, he went to Penn. So, she decides to fly to PA to visit him. He was really happy to see her so he decided to give her some oral action.
He had done this numerous times before and he always enjoyed doing it...but for some reason, this time, she smelled really horrible, and she tasted even worse. He didn't want to offend her though because he hadn't seen her in months...so he put a Jolly Rancher in his mouth to cover it up, even though it didn't do much to help.
In the course of eating her out, he accidentally pushed the candy inside of her... and stuck a finger in to grab it out. He took it out, and put it back into his mouth and bit it. Only...it wasn't the Jolly Rancher.
It was a nodule of gonorrhea.
As in, the blister-like structure that gonorrhea makes filled with diseased pus was the size of a fucking Jolly Rancher and the poor guy BIT it. I guess it was really dark in the room. He freaked out and started vomiting all over the place when it exploded in his mouth...
He demanded to know what was going on, turns out she had cheated on him at a club like, the first week of college, and fucked some random guy and the stupid bitch had no clue what was wrong with her. She noticed a strange smell though.
So now, Steve is freaking out that he now has gonorrhea of the mouth and God knows what else. permalink


I work in an emergency room. One time we had a patient who had a colostomy (for those who don't know, this is a surgically placed hole in the abdomen where shit comes out of after the colon is rerouted away from the ass)
Anyway, some girl comes in once with an infection in her stoma (abdominal shithole). Turns out it was gonorrhea. Her husband had been cheating on her, picked it up and had been fucking her in her stoma permalink

So you saying he was getting a little in... on the side?

Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you. That is more than nasty. That doesn't even belong here. Take that shit back to hell with you you evil bastard.

I was in a band in college and we played a show this one weekend. I was pretty smashed after drinking for free all night, and this surprisingly cute chick saunters up and started with the whole, "oh my god, you like write songs and stuff?" Despite the fact that I am usually a bit shy in situations like this, she had her arm around me and is doing all the work. "Fuck it, let's do this," I think to myself. While she is mid-sentence, I grabbed her hand and started walking her out the door.
We headed back to her apartment, and things started to heat up. We were on her bed, ripping off eachother's clothes. Suddenly, in one swift move, she pounced me, knocked me onto my back, jumped on top of me, spun around and started sucking me off, 69 style. I was totally into it, and started reciprocating. Only a few moments pass before I felt a tap on my forehead. My face was fully between her legs, yet there was this tap tap tap on my forehead. Every couple of seconds, tap tap tap. This tapping continued and started to take me out of the moment. I pried my face from between her legs to get a better view of what was going on. To my horror, I witnessed, dangling from her asshole, a fucking tape worm, bouncing like a fettuccine noodle with every excited movement she made. I was totally disgusted, but kind of in shock, and she had no idea what is going on, just gobbling away down there. Before I knew it, I had thrown her off of me and I was stringing together a long series of "fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck" as I put on my pants and ran out the door. permalink

Technically a threesome then, eh?!
I was hoping he wouldn't say it was a penis, now I wish he did.

I particularly enjoyed the tapeworm. You?

 


Mish Blog, meet pătrunjel. Pătrunjel, meet Mish Blog.

-So what's up, pătrunjel?
-Cum mi-ai zis, mă?
-Oh sorry, peterselie.
-You can just call me Peter.
-Şi ce mai faci tipule? Nu ne-am mai văzut de mult!

Patrunjelul ăsta e olandez, deci trebuie să vorbesc în engleză cu el, nu ştiu să-i zic decât "kunt u mij zeggen hoe laat het is?" şi din ce ştiu eu, pătrunjelul n-are ceas. Acum vă traduc conversaţia... cu mici excepţii.

-Oh, just chillin on the shelf... these bitches don't have much use for me.
-Frate, tu ştii cât te-am căutat? Am tot folosit rozmarin în ciorbe, au ieşit foarte ciudat... nu aşa le făcea mama. Am cumpărat ceva care semăna cu patrunjelu şi am aflat că e rozmarin pe care l-am pus la mişto în ciorbă şi a ieşit o panaramă.
-Rosemary, curva aia, ştiam că e mai uşuratică dar nici chiar aşa, să se ducă cu oricine. Bă, eu am ieşit odată cu ea, o fo' combinaţie, am făcut schimb de nişte clorofilă, dacă mă înţelegi; da' după aia am avut gărgăriţe o săptămână!
-La mine acasă de-ăştia ca tine cresc pe garduri. Găseşti în orice piaţă o tonă de pătrunjel la un leu legătura, chiar mai puţin.
-Those little bitches sold out. Au devenit prea comerciali; eu am rămas elitist. Nu vezi că mă ambalează individual? Am şi termen de valabilitate! I'm the best, fuck the rest, boscheţii dracului!
-Bă puţă, tu m-ai costat 1,30 euro şi ai doar 15 grame, din cauza ta e complexată Irina! Ia marş înapoi în frigider până nu te fac omletă!

 

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